How To Make Somone Sound Like An AssHole: The Eulogy

“This is not one of the funerals I’m looking forward to.” ~A Friend (2006)

WARNING! A Dead Asshole Contained Inside

I have been either fortunate or unfortunate to have gone to many funerals in my 34 years of habitation on this planet. There is one striking and familiar constant with them all. The people giving the eulogy make the formally living person sound like some an asshole! In all, every eulogy I have been to sounds just like the last one.

Eulogist:

Since (Insert beloved asshole here) passed on to the great expanses of a place far better than this shitty hellhole. We have all grieved heavily and are unable to figure out how to go on with out (Insert beloved asshole here). But we will try our best to continue on without him/her the best we can. Because our entire existence had to revolve around (Insert beloved asshole here). Yes, we must carry on and live like sick wretches without (Insert beloved asshole here) to guide us through

There should be a self-help book called Be a Better Person: Die. I know of at least three people who have died that had little resemblance to the mythical champion and hero the eulogist portrayed. I have witnessed people who were cheated, screwed over, and left in ruin by the departed make extraordinary claims about the dead asshole’s integrity in their eulogy.

For me I want to be remembered like a true asshole. So based on the funerals I have attended, I feel I need to break the mold of the typical funeral. I want my eulogist to let everyone know all the terrible things about me and for good measure make up most of those terrible things. Ex. “David was a buggering asshole who had a fetish for hunchbacked midgets and Otterpops.”

How better to be remembered then to have a funeral that is more like a comedy roast than a commiseration seminar/meeting. For years people would talk about my funeral and how it departed from other funerals they have been to. So be remembered and really insist on a tasteless eulogy.

Racist Article by Eleanor Roosevelt

On May 20, 1954 Eleanor Roosevelt wrote an article addressing the U.S. Supreme Courts landmark ruling on Brown vs. Board of Eductaion. In a misguided attempt to reach out to the formerly segregated black masses; Eleanor wrote an article strewn with what she called “jive speak“. As you can guess, editors refused to publish such insensitive dialog and convinced Eleanor to reword her article before publication. You can find the published article HERE.

For you, I have obtained this rare and incredible original article written by one of the most influential women in American history. I hope you will not see Mrs. Roosevelt as insensitive or a racist. Rather, I would have you look upon me as being bored with too much time on my hands.

NEW YORK, MAY 20, 1954 -

I wuz chillaxin’ on da “Tex an’ Jinx Show” I wuz given da news o’ da unanimous Supreme Court decision dat blasted segregation in da skools. I be bangin’ dis here wuz uh unanimous decision cuz I th’o't it will be a bee-atch fo’ da states wiff segregated skoo systems ta hold out against such uh ruling. So dis be a big dilly!

If it wuz not fo’ da fact dat segregation in itself be a bitch slap, da old rule o’ giving equal facilities might gots gone on satisfying our sense o’ justice fo’ uh long tyme. It iz very difficult, however, ta ensure real equality under uh segregated system, an’ da mere fact dat ya cannot move freely anywhere in yo’ country an’ be as acceptable everywhere as yo’ neighbor creates an inequality. Peep dat shit!

Cletus always bring up da queshun o’ marriage between da races, an’ I realize dat that iz da queshun o’ real concern ta peeps. It just be ol’ about haten da jungle feeva’. But it seems ta me uh very personal queshun which mus’ be settled by peeps in da hood an’ by da development o’ da cultural an’ social patterns within uh country. Whitey can nahh longer lay down rules as ta what individuals will do in any area o’ they lives in uh world dat iz changing as fast as ours iz changing taday fo’ shizzle. It be blunt time-pull out your philly…

The Schwarzenegger Amendmendment

No matter what your political bent might be, amending the Constitution to allow Arnold Schwarzenegger to become president would simply kick ass. He is this big intimidating cartoon like guy that also says the most screwed up and absurd cartoon things. Here are some examples from his term as “Governator” of California.

Examples:

“To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say, Don’t be economic girlie men!” ~Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

OR

“She’s either Puerto Rican, or the same thing as Cuban, I mean they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it.” ~Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger

Just imagine during high level security meetings with foreign dignitaries and Arnold leans over to Sweden’s Crown Princess Victoria and says “I can look at a chick who’s a little out of shape and if she turns me on, I won’t hesitate to date her. If she’s a good f**k she can weigh 150 pounds, I don’t care.” <—(Another actual quote.) Would that not be SNL GOLD?

You remember the days of stupid quotes from Bush Jr.? I miss that kind of inane b.s. coming out of our most powerful leader. Here are some examples of what to expect from President Schwarzenegger.

“I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Having a pump is like having sex. I train two, sometimes three times a day. Each time I get a pump. It’s great. I feel like I’m coming all day.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

“My relationship to power and authority is that I’m all for it. People need somebody to watch over them. Ninety-five percent of the people in the world need to be told what to do and how to behave.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold would be an endless source of the best inane b.s. a nation might want or need. I bet our old buddy President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would think twice about refining even just another milligram of weapons grade uranium with a president in the White House saying things like:

“I like the color red because it’s a fire. And I see myself as always being on fire.” ~Arnold Schwarzenegger

In conclusion, I hope I have made my case for a President Schwarzenegger. So lets continue to be the self-destructive country that we are and amend our Constitution!

Validation For Sale. Pay Up Sucker!

Thank you for coming, but we are all out of free validation.

I recently had someone enlighten me to a fascinating and possibility lucrative side business. This person told me they felt I simply and only served as validation for some of the people I know? According to this person, I serve as an emotional fill station where certain people come to fill up , then only come back when they are running on empty.

Example:

“Hi David! So what have you been up to?…………… Okay stop! That’s all very interesting stuff, but I’m bored now. Let me tell you how great I am… Blah… Blah… Blah… Now let me trump your personal accomplishments with a list of things that I feel make me better than you. Blah… Blah… Blah… Okay, tell me how happy you are for me. And please be specific with your positive comments. I need you to acknowledge every self glorifying point I just made. Okay stop! I feel better about myself now. Unlike when I first started to talk to you when I was pretending I was happy. Bye!”

So this gave me an idea. Conversations like this can feel like work. Why should I not try to make a few extra bucks for my personal time? Its kind of like prostitution. Prostitution offers validation to the lonely soul. I can emotionally prostitute myself. Being an emotional hooker I won’t get a VD, murdered by a Jon, have my face slashed by my pimp, and it’s legal! Also now is a great time to start.

With the economy heading for another recession. Its been proven people will be looking for “pick me ups” and entertainment that provide them with an escape. Just look at the sales of DVD’s, video game systems, chocolate, and alcohol during economic downturns. With people looking for feelgood and rewarding escapes from the horrific reality of their lives; why not ask for payment for something people want from me (moral arguments aside) for free? Would you ask your accountant to do your taxes for free? Well, you might be capable of asking that because we both know your an asshole.

My Dilemma is finding out the level of satisfaction people currently receive from me validating them. This needs to be known so I can attach an reasonable fee scale for my services. I could hand out a survey asking people to evaluate my validating ability after “experiencing” me. The survey should incorporate a zero to ten sliding scale. Zero representing “Go to hell! If you speak to me again or I will kill you and/or myself, my family, and my entire neighborhood!” A rating of Ten would mean “You are the love of my life please marry me and have my children and my friends children and I believe the soap scum in your bathtub cures cancer!” I believe those are reasonable delineations for my scale. Right? I will try it out and post an update with the results. Or I can just continue not charging people for this service. People have gotta’ like ya’ for something right?

You might find this post in bad taste. But what would you expect from a blog with the name The Art of Hubris? Here is a link to starting your own blog named The Art of Good Taste. Or you can repudiate this post with an angry comment. I’m happy with either.

What David Wants for X-Mas

“You deserve exactly what you allow yourself to have.” ~Me

Therefor I deserve:

The Parliamentary Democracy and Commonwealth of Tuvalu

You might be considering the question of how someone could possibly give an independent and autonomously governed collective of people away as a gift to someone so deserving as myself? Well I have written a mission guide to help you obtain my X-Mas present.

First you need to get there, so go here —-> Latitude of Tuvalu: 8º00´South of the Equator, Longitude of Tuvalu: 178º00´West of Greenwich. Got that? Now put that into your GPS and get your sad ass driving. You have over two-thousand miles of road trip ahead of you and only a month left to acquire my X-Mas present. Remember to pack a seat donut for the Grade IV hemorrhoid you will develop sitting that long. I do appreciate your sacrifice. I Love You!

Mission Guide

Unless you consider your neighborhood block-watch a formidable military fighting machine; the local block watch would be a fine analogy to describe the Tuvalu military/police force. They live on a tropical island and harvest coconuts for a living. I think you can overcome a couple of coconut farms with machetes. If you don’t want to get your hands dirty, you could use psychological warfare on the Tuvalu’s. Scientists have proven playing Nickelback songs (or whatever it is) to anyone, will drive them batshit crazy. The movie The Happening was based on an actual Nickelback mass hysteria incident. But using Nickelback would be considered inhuman cruelty. Also you might be brought up on charges of terrorism and threats to civil aviation by the International Court System.

Tuvalu's Flag Ship, The Good Ship Coconut

The picture to the right would be the proud, Tuvalu Imperial Royal Navy Fleet Squadron Force and Protector of  Her Majesties Purity & Coconut  Bra Collection Esquire! Or the not so short, T.I.R.N.F.S.F.P.H.M.P.C.B.C.E. They would put that on the side of their flagship, but the flagship isn’t long enough, nor do they have enough sticky letters to spell it out.

Now don’t start with me on the old:

“You expect me to take on a crappy yellow ply-wood boat manned by Tuvalu’s prime minister Toafa and his ‘shovel headed halfwit’ of a brother-in-law Taukelina, who when he talks has this annoying clicking sound in the back of his throat and smells of rancid orange peels and Mentholatum™ ointment and keeps walking up to dignitaries and asking them to ‘taste this!’ while pointing his index finger in their face? And all that I am armed with is this GPS with direction to the middle of the western edges of the Pacific Ocean, six TicTac’s, and this itchy,  swollen  hemorrhoid from sitting on this seat donut for weeks!”

Geez! It’s not like I am asking you to sink the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan Strike Group. Coward!

U.S.S Ronald Reagan Strike Group

If you have made it this far by taking out the Tuvalu Army and  the T.I.R.N.F.- S.F.P.H.M.P.C.B.C.E. Navy. The last and most difficult part of your X-Mas present mission will require you to Americanize the Tuvalu. To do this, force feed them our American culture. Examples: American politics, gossip mags, supersized fried anything, apathy, Justin Bieber, Snuggies, Oxi-Clean, Riddilin, private technical schools, high fructose corn syrup, boob jobs for 16yr, Bisphenol A, student loans, reality T.V., credit cards, poor education standards, portray dysfunctional families as entertainment on daytime television, emphasize self centered individualism, promote a false belief in “True Love”,  dress their kids in Juicy Couture, and convince them to buy anything that promises happiness. If all that doesn’t work, I have another, even longer list for you to try on them.

After the Tuvalu people figure out the Zoloft doesn’t really work all that well to dull the pain of their now small and limited existence. I will be dropped in by parachute with great fanfare and promote myself as the Tuvalu’s savior. Finally I will turn them into a religious cult and get them to believe only I, their despotic ruler knows when the end of the world will come. And you know how the rest goes.

IT WILL BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!

LONG LIVE THE TUVALU PARLIAMENTARY DEMOCRACY AND COMMONWEALTH!

Obsessed With Being Dignified

I consider myself rather non obsessive. But there are notable exceptions. One such exception would be my obsession with being dignified. As if I was attempting to resemble any good 19th century gentleman, I will take poor attitudes, personal insults, and bad news with dignified austerity.

Examples:

“Your dog died!” My reply in a calm, dignified voice; “You have brought to me greatly distressing news. I cannot help but be saddened by this solemn event. Show me to the remains of this poor retched animal so that I may go about it’s disposal.“

“I’m leaving you David! I have met another man. He is better that you in every conceivable way. He is so far superior to you that I cannot help but hate you in comparison.” My reply in a calm voice; “This is quite unfortunate that this has happened to me. I guess I should give you both my best and carry on with myself. Well, I suppose I should leave then. Goodbye my once beloved one.

So am I weak, timid, or a sorry excuse for a man?

There are things I have little to no control over; so why not be dignified about it? But I don’t want to give the impression I would take anything from any body. If you give me a harsh enough slight, I would be inclined to declare you a hopeless reprobate. Then I would either verbally assault the person in a way that would crush their sense of self or challenge them to a duel in an open field with dueling pistols. Unfortunately the latter is frowned upon by modern society. :..-(

What does this say about me?

I have no idea. I can’t tell you if it’s a good quality or a bad quality for someone to have. All I can say is it’s not working all that great. I have observed people act incredibly undignified and still get mostly everything they want. This is rather confusing and a bit more than irritating to my sensibilities. Perhaps I am just a hopeless romantic about gentlemanly personal conduct in a 21st century society.

Do I get a bigger piece of the proverbial pie for this attitude?

Nope! I guess I will need to cry like a spoiled petulant child and climb up peoples asses until they give me what I want. But I don’t think I can stoop to such a low point in character. It has been my realization I need to live with myself and I can’t do that if I can’t stand myself. So I will carry on with my personal statuesque.

We Live In a World That Cannot Exist Without War.

“War, huh, yeah
What is it good for
Absolutely nothing”
~War by Edwin Starr

What an extraordinary claim. “We live in a world that cannot exist without war”. Its a common notion that peace is the ultimate goal of humanity. Our popular culture is studded with music, jewelry, apparel, movies, books, and political movements promoting the idea of peace. And on the surface peace is a great idea. What could be wrong with an end of mass death from bombings and a mutual respect for all nations and its people? Well there really isn’t anything wrong with it if you like your house, car, and job.

Our wonderfull world of oil!

So what possible connection does your house, car, and job have to do with something as terrible as war? As I can see it, all those things have something to do with war. Let me present one facet of my thought on this. OIL! Yes oil! A wonderful resource like cheap oil we need war. War for oil started after WWII when the allies divided up the middle east in such a way the allies thought they had secured the oil in those regions. But war had to come save the day again and again to assure the west did not loose control over the oil reserves. Example: Iraq/Iran war. That was all about keeping Iran in check, thus the middle east stable for oil production.

Why not stop using oil then? Think of all the things you own and depend on that are either made of or depend on oil. Here are just a few examples. Oil is needed in the manufacturing of clothes, appliances, fuel, fertilizer for agriculture, cheap hydrogen, skin care, medication, plastics, food preservatives, synthetic fibers, ect, ect, ect. Then all these things that have been manufactured needs to be transported. And what does the world depend on for transportation? Oil!

NATO

But oil isn’t the only thing we have to be thankful for because of war. War gave the United States it’s freedom form Brittan. You live on land the US claimed from the Native Americans through war. And just think of all the great cultural and technical exchanges by the Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans that took place after they conquered other nations and empires. The examples can just go on and on.

I don’t consider myself a war monger. War has a terrible cost because of the amount of human death and misery it creates. Yet the world as we know it depends on war. So what is war good for? Look around you.