Douche Baggery!


Douche Baggery: The act of being a douche bag, or the possession of qualities which are of a douche bag.

I would say that I can spot douche baggery from orbit. Just imagine me walking along a sidewalk just drinking in the ambiance of our fine County of Cowlitz. Then suddenly I stop! The hair, not only on my arms, but my entire body begins to stand on end. I feel the sharp pain of my bowels convulsing in waves of stabbing pain. Then I hear it! I turn and look to see a white lifted Hummer with its tinted windows rolled half way down blasting Nickleback and the vanity plate sporting “RNEMOVR”.

I want to avert my eye’s to simply deprive this douchebagg the attention he is seeking. But I am not strong enough. I must see the totality of this douchebagg spectacle. A chromed bumper guard, chromed taillight covers, and a chromed roof rack. This must truly be the kingly chariot of a great douchebagg. Then I see it… Yes! Could it be, even ten years after they went out of automotive style?

The douchebaggs Hummer comes to a stop, and there they are… SPINY RIMS! This douchebagg had successfully transcended to the level of the majestic “Grade A Assclown!” Time and space begins warping around this living poop stain. Angels burst into flames and fall to earth. Women are giving birth to children they were never pregnant with, and the music of Nickleback is found to cure cancer. I begin to uncontrollably weep as my small human brain struggles to conceive the magnitude of what is now taking place. It can only be likened to seeing a real live unicorn, but different.

ABRUPT END

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About David Schaafsma

"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here." ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
This entry was posted in Humor, Satire, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Douche Baggery!

  1. Jen says:

    “Women are giving birth to children they were never pregnant with…”

    David… you really are one of my favorite people! 13 years of friendship and you are still the same David I fell so much in like with :). Memories… this will keep me smiling all day 🙂

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