What David Wants for X-Mas

“You deserve exactly what you allow yourself to have.” ~Me

Therefor I deserve:

The Parliamentary Democracy and Commonwealth of Tuvalu

You might be considering the question of how someone could possibly give an independent and autonomously governed collective of people away as a gift to someone so deserving as myself? Well I have written a mission guide to help you obtain my X-Mas present.

First you need to get there, so go here —-> Latitude of Tuvalu: 8º00´South of the Equator, Longitude of Tuvalu: 178º00´West of Greenwich. Got that? Now put that into your GPS and get your sad ass driving. You have over two-thousand miles of road trip ahead of you and only a month left to acquire my X-Mas present. Remember to pack a seat donut for the Grade IV hemorrhoid you will develop sitting that long. I do appreciate your sacrifice. I Love You!

Mission Guide

Unless you consider your neighborhood block-watch a formidable military fighting machine; the local block watch would be a fine analogy to describe the Tuvalu military/police force. They live on a tropical island and harvest coconuts for a living. I think you can overcome a couple of coconut farms with machetes. If you don’t want to get your hands dirty, you could use psychological warfare on the Tuvalu’s. Scientists have proven playing Nickelback songs (or whatever it is) to anyone, will drive them batshit crazy. The movie The Happening was based on an actual Nickelback mass hysteria incident. But using Nickelback would be considered inhuman cruelty. Also you might be brought up on charges of terrorism and threats to civil aviation by the International Court System.

Tuvalu's Flag Ship, The Good Ship Coconut

The picture to the right would be the proud, Tuvalu Imperial Royal Navy Fleet Squadron Force and Protector of  Her Majesties Purity & Coconut  Bra Collection Esquire! Or the not so short, T.I.R.N.F.S.F.P.H.M.P.C.B.C.E. They would put that on the side of their flagship, but the flagship isn’t long enough, nor do they have enough sticky letters to spell it out.

Now don’t start with me on the old:

“You expect me to take on a crappy yellow ply-wood boat manned by Tuvalu’s prime minister Toafa and his ‘shovel headed halfwit’ of a brother-in-law Taukelina, who when he talks has this annoying clicking sound in the back of his throat and smells of rancid orange peels and Mentholatum™ ointment and keeps walking up to dignitaries and asking them to ‘taste this!’ while pointing his index finger in their face? And all that I am armed with is this GPS with direction to the middle of the western edges of the Pacific Ocean, six TicTac’s, and this itchy,  swollen  hemorrhoid from sitting on this seat donut for weeks!”

Geez! It’s not like I am asking you to sink the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan Strike Group. Coward!

U.S.S Ronald Reagan Strike Group

If you have made it this far by taking out the Tuvalu Army and  the T.I.R.N.F.- S.F.P.H.M.P.C.B.C.E. Navy. The last and most difficult part of your X-Mas present mission will require you to Americanize the Tuvalu. To do this, force feed them our American culture. Examples: American politics, gossip mags, supersized fried anything, apathy, Justin Bieber, Snuggies, Oxi-Clean, Riddilin, private technical schools, high fructose corn syrup, boob jobs for 16yr, Bisphenol A, student loans, reality T.V., credit cards, poor education standards, portray dysfunctional families as entertainment on daytime television, emphasize self centered individualism, promote a false belief in “True Love”,  dress their kids in Juicy Couture, and convince them to buy anything that promises happiness. If all that doesn’t work, I have another, even longer list for you to try on them.

After the Tuvalu people figure out the Zoloft doesn’t really work all that well to dull the pain of their now small and limited existence. I will be dropped in by parachute with great fanfare and promote myself as the Tuvalu’s savior. Finally I will turn them into a religious cult and get them to believe only I, their despotic ruler knows when the end of the world will come. And you know how the rest goes.



About David Schaafsma

"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here." ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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