How To Make Somone Sound Like An AssHole: The Eulogy

“This is not one of the funerals I’m looking forward to.” ~A Friend (2006)

WARNING! A Dead Asshole Contained Inside

I have been either fortunate or unfortunate to have gone to many funerals in my 34 years of habitation on this planet. There is one striking and familiar constant with them all. The people giving the eulogy make the formally living person sound like some asshole! In all, every eulogy I have been to sounds just like the last one.

Eulogist:

Since (Insert beloved asshole here) passed on to the great expanses of a place far better than this shitty hellhole. We have all grieved heavily and are unable to figure out how to go on with out (Insert beloved asshole here). But we will try our best to continue on without him/her the best we can. Because our entire existence had to revolve around (Insert beloved asshole here). Yes, we must carry on and live like sick wretches without (Insert beloved asshole here) to guide us through

There should be a self-help book called Be a Better Person: Die. I know of at least three people who have died that had little resemblance to the mythical champion and hero the eulogist portrayed. I have witnessed people who were cheated, screwed over, and left in ruin by the departed make extraordinary claims about the dead asshole’s integrity in their eulogy.

For me I want to be remembered like a true asshole. So based on the funerals I have attended, I feel I need to break the mold of the typical funeral. I want my eulogist to let everyone know all the terrible things about me and for good measure make up most of those terrible things. Ex. “David was a buggering asshole who had a fetish for hunchbacked midgets and Otterpops.”

How better to be remembered then to have a funeral that is more like a comedy roast than a commiseration seminar/meeting. For years people would talk about my funeral and how it departed from other funerals they have been to. So be remembered and really insist on a tasteless eulogy.

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About David Schaafsma

"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice. "Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here." ~Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
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